I fear man

I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile. I have been getting used to the rhythm of work and like I expected going to work all day has a tendency to dry me of my creative energy. All I have felt like blogging the last few weeks is: went to work, made dinner, spent time with my husband, did some chores, went to bed. Not exactly inspirational.

Something I've been hit with the last few weeks though is how challenging it is to write a book and have people you care about read it. I feel like I'm lying on an examining table and whatever someone has to say about the book, they are saying about me. I spent so long on the book, poring over the words, chapters, and characters. It is so hard for for something like that not to become part of you. When someone says something positive or negative about my writing, I find myself viewing myself in a positive or negative light. I think it is similar to if you practiced for years to be good at a sport and you were in a game and you gave it your all and then all your best friends came up to you after the game and let you know the things they did and didn't like about our performance. Just seeing them walk up to you would make you nervous because you know you're not perfect and that people see things through their own eyes, affected by their pasts, their present relationships, their culture, and more. I don't know if I'll make it as a writer. I take myself too seriously. I want too much to be liked, to have people look at what I have to offer as worthwhile. I haven't grown calloused yet to people's opinions about what I have to say, and I crave positive affirmation. Not to mention that it takes at least 20 positive comments for me to forget about 1 negative comment. I am trying to forgive myself, but it's a struggle everyday. I feel like I should be above messing up by now, I've had 24 full years of practice, haven't I?

I think the verse of the week plays in really well with my fears of others' thoughts about me:

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." Prov. 29:25

AMEN... May God do what he will with the things I have done and will do. My life is not my own.