My Struggle

I have a desire to make a difference. I struggle with this desire every day of my life, especially recently.

I was a junior high teacher last year, and even though I struggled a lot with the teaching and not feeling well, I was at peace with the fact that I was doing good for people, that I was making a difference in the lives of my students, each and every day.

Now, I help Joe with his work in every way that I can, take care of our home, and write novels and articles. Even though I love what I do and Joe loves it as well because I am so much happy on a regular basis, I struggle with not feeling effective. I struggle with the fact that I am not doing enough.

I have a hard time being content, I always have. Not with the things I have or don't have. It's never been about that, but the things that I am doing with my life. Even though I love my life so much and have so much to be thankful for, I have a hard time maintaining the same level of peace that I had last year when I knew I was changing lives for the better.

I think I was designed with a desire to be serving others. That is one of the many reasons why I feel called to missions, giving my life in service to others so that they can find and follow Jesus Christ seems like a dream come true.

Joe is constantly thinking of things for me to do to keep me busy, good things that need to be done, and even though that helps some with my dissatisfaction, it cannot erase the fact that what I am really searching for is making a difference in people's lives, the kind of life and the way of life that is not easily achieved when you stay at home and do paperwork.

I don't know that the future will hold, and I would like to think that I will be ready for whatever that is, but I'm not sure. The uncertainty looming in every detail of my future is unnerving at times. But when I'm not afraid, when I remember that through every mountain and valley God will be holding me, it is exhilarating, knowing that our desire is to give God our lives completely so that he can use them to accomplish his purposes.

I am confident that God has big plans for his children, and even though I often marvel at how that could be the case for me who fails so often, I rejoice in that fact, and I am confident that the life I could build without him and the dreams and plans that I could construct without consulting Him are nothing compared to the things that He has in store for me.

"For every good and perfect thing comes from above, from the Father, who doesn't change..."